The Road to Empathy Is Paved with Self-Awareness
I came to the United States from Cameroon in 2006 on a full soccer scholarship to Wingate University, a private school in North Carolina. Even as a 19-year-old, I recognized this was an opportunity of a lifetime—but I couldn’t have anticipated just how transformational it would be.
Going from New York, Los Angeles or Chicago to a small town in the South would be a culture shock. Moving from Douala—an African city with 4 million people—to Wingate—a small, North Carolina town with about 4,000 people—is a whole different ball game. Overnight, all the reference points I relied on to communicate and connect with others were stripped away. I was in a completely new environment, had almost nothing in common with the people around me and could barely speak the language.
Sixteen years later, as a part of this adventure with many twists and turns, I met Dae-Lee, founder of Bridge Builder Consulting. He was on a mission to help leaders and organizations develop the capacity to cultivate genuine connections and dynamic cultures, and he invited me to join the third leadership cohort of this movement.
The experience was eye-opening. Most of all, it made me realize that I’ve been a bridge builder all along, as it’s an inseparable part of being an immigrant.
Who Am I?
That’s the first question every cohort participant is asked to answer. It’s something I’d never asked myself while in Cameroon as a teen … I didn’t really need to. But in my current environment, having an answer was expected of me at every interaction, whether I was met with genuine curiosity or ignorance.
But how could I share something I didn’t know myself?
Telling my story, explaining the cultural differences between my homeland and host land, understanding what it means to be Black in a place where it matters so much, or what it means to be African in the context of the world—these were things I never had to think about. Now, the answers are necessary for survival. In order to connect (or better yet, belong), I had to understand my identity and humanity.
To my surprise, in the process of gaining more self-awareness, I also deepened my ability to empathize with others. As I got know myself more deeply, I connected better with others. I was able to see and hear myself in them, even if they looked nothing like me or their experience did not mirror mine. I saw and heard in people I had “nothing” in common with similar hopes, dreams, fears and insecurities. I recognized in them my urges, impulses, biases, strengths and limitations. They were expressed differently, but they were fundamentally the same. Below the surface, stripped from superficial social constructs, I found a shared humanity.
I think this ability to see through those superficial markers and recognize yourself in others is the most important skill of a bridge builder. That’s empathy—and it starts with self-awareness.
As a current or aspiring bridge builder, the question remains: Who am I? So, here are three practices to consider as you embark on your journey of self-inquiry:
Travel Outside the Boundaries of your Reality
The quickest way to heighten your awareness is to travel outside the boundaries of your reality. Go see the world. Travel to another country with a completely different culture, where you might become a part of the minority overnight or where nothing feels familiar, not even the language. Immerse yourself in life with the locals. Wander with humility and curiosity.
If you’re not ready for a big adventure, start where you are. Get outside of your neighborhood. Seek to meet and interact with people outside of your circles. Try new experiences from different parts of the world– food, arts, music or shows. Visit different parts of town. Seek opinions different from yours, especially online, where algorithms have built echo chambers that reinforce our existing beliefs and can strengthen our biases.
There’s a heightened sense of awareness that emerges when you start exploring worlds beyond your own. That’s also where you will find yourself.
2. Explore Fictional Worlds
For years, I thought reading fiction was a waste of time. I did not see value in stories with fictional characters when I could read nonfiction and learn something to accelerate my personal growth or take my career to the next level. Boy was I wrong. Fiction is one of the best ways to understand the human condition. It enables you to get familiar with the aspirations, hopes, dreams, fears and insecurities that connect us as people.
Understanding those complex characters and plots often helps us better understand ourselves and those around us. Going beyond the sneaky ways in which fiction teaches us about life, take it a step further and consider writing fiction. In the process of building new worlds and creating characters, you’re deepening your understanding of the human experience while also embarking on a journey of self-inquiry and reflection.
3. Practice Mindfulness
The fabric of our reality and life is woven with habits—a collection of unconscious mental, physiological and behavioral patterns. Mindfulness is any exercise or activity that takes us away from those automatic habits, deliberately redirecting our attention to the present moment. Whether it’s sitting in meditation, doing breathing exercises, practicing yoga, journaling, walking or even painting, mindfulness enables us to tune into the various hidden patterns that run our lives.
Training our awareness muscle enables us to become more keen observers, revealing our negative thought patterns, biases and blindspots, which is critical in our ability to empathize with others. Unless we quiet the chatter in our minds and suspend our judgement when interacting with others, it’s impossible to truly see people, hear their truth and understand their version of reality (which may be different but is still valid).
Being a bridge builder is fundamentally about recognizing our shared humanity—and because of our shared humanity, knowing yourself is the first stop on the path to knowing others.
